I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
