You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
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