It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
