Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
You did what with his pubic hair?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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