everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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