Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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