Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
