the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
The uberlube is also flammable
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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