She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
