Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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