a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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