I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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