I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
