Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize