Umm I'm too high to move.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I think pants incapable of making pants work
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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