she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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