More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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