I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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