I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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