I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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