Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
