Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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