Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
