I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
