i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
even my farts smell like vagina
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
