just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Randomize
