my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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