hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
