All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
