In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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