I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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