i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
