I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
