so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
