I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
We left the knife in your bed.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Randomize
