If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
