I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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