Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Randomize
