I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
