dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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