My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
