if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
