I'm gonna have a badass scar
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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