Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
