my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
