I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
you inspire me to be a worse person
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
