I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
