watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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