please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize