Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
