He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
