Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
