you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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