he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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