If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
