Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
