I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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