I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
